Ruined Puzzle
by NarcoticNikki
Summary: Just a short little one time Lily/James fic. Portrays James' thoughts on his friend, his son, and his wife a few days before their death. Please R&R.


Ruined Puzzle  
  
_It's yet to be determined, but the air is thick, and my hope is feeling worn. ~Dashboard Confessional._  
  
Was this really happening?  
  
The picture showed five young people, smiling happily, completely unsuspecting. They had an idea of course, but everything was about to change more dramatically than any of them could begin to fathom. The sun shone brightly and reflected off the lake on the day of their graduation.   
  
His gaze fell over each of the smiling figures as he stood in his hallway reminiscing. A short, stout boy on the end, his mousy brown hair being ruffled affectionately by the taller, sandy-haired boy next to him. This was Peter. Or Wormtail, on occasion. Peter had always paled in comparison to his outgoing and charismatic friends, but his time had come. He had been in their shadow for 7 years at Hogwarts, but now everything depended on him. James' whole world rested on Peter's shoulders.  
  
The sandy-haired boy was Remus. Moony. Destined to transform into a werewolf on the night of the full moon for the rest of his life. But his curse, in a way, had become a blessing for the four friends. James thought of all the hours spent roaming their beloved school and the surrounding grounds. All the adventures they had shared. Remus' condition had only brought them closer together.  
  
Remus' other arm was draped casually across the shoulders of a radiant red-head. Her head was thrown back in laughter, her hair billowing behind her in the wind. Lily. She was his north star, his bright beacon of light in the ever-consuming darkness. He would love her forever.  
  
James himself stood on her other side, his arm possessively around her waist. A goofy grin spread across his face as he faced his counterpart, Sirius, his wand brandished innocently.  
  
Sirius was somewhat detached from the rest of the group, his wand pointed at James in the defensive. James had just performed a shrinking charm on Sirius' graduation robes. Said robes clung to Sirius' arms and torso, the seams threatening to burst. Thus the reason for Lily's hysterical laughter.  
  
Commencement. Beginnings. But the beginnings of what, exactly? The beginning of the end?  
  
James knew he was lucky. He had the best friends that a person could ask for. Without them he never would have made it through everything. The death of his parents, the discovery of his legacy and his heritage and all that it meant.  
  
Lily. His Lily. His wife. She supported him through everything, always there beside him, holding his hand. He loved her more than life itself. She had accepted him, everything about him, even though he was detrimental to her.   
  
"James," a soft touch, her hand on his shoulder, pulled him from his reverie. "They'll be here soon."  
  
Finally tearing his gaze from the picture on the wall, in their new home, he turned to face her. Her eyes, the color of brilliant emeralds, stared back at him so knowingly.   
  
"Everything will be fine," she assured him, sliding her arms around his neck. She always knew what was going on inside his head.  
  
He nodded, but he wasn't sure if he really agreed. And he knew that she wasn't as sure as she made herself sound. But it didn't matter. No matter what, he had her, he had Harry, and he had his friends.  
  
He let his gaze wander over the angles of her beautiful face. "Lily?"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"I love you."  
  
She smiled softly. "I know you do. I love you, too."  
  
There was so much that he wanted to say, but he couldn't find the words. He felt that if he spilled his heart to her, it would only frighten her. Not his feelings, necessarily, but she would know that he was saying these things because he wasn't sure if he would get the chance to in the future. He didn't want her to worry any more than she already was, so he kept his mouth shut.  
  
He wanted to tell her that she was the most beautiful person he had ever met. Beautiful inside and out. He wanted to let her know how lucky he was that she had chosen him. He was so blessed to be on the receiving end of her warm, bright smiles every morning for the rest of his life.  
  
The rest of his life...He wanted to grow old with her. To watch their son grow, to teach him life's lessons together. James wanted to hold her hand as they watched Harry get married, as they looked into the faces of their grandchildren.   
  
He wanted to say that he loved her for everything about her. She was the mother of his child, his essence of life. He loved Harry to pieces, but he wanted more children. A houseful of little Lily's and James'. He wanted a daughter, a little girl to look just like her mummy, with that gorgeous red hair.  
  
He pictured himself holding Lily's hand as they sat in some lawn chairs on a warm sunny day, watching their children running around in the yard. Sirius would be there too, maybe with some children of his own, some day. They could all grow old together, taking comfort in each others company, and watching their kids grow up. Perhaps even their offspring would become the best of friends and the Blacks and Potters could be linked in friendship forever.  
  
James wanted to tell her all of this, everything he felt and everything he envisioned. But he just couldn't.  
  
At that moment, a knock sounded on the front door. They were here.  
  
Lily planted a soft kiss on the corner of his mouth. "You get the door, I'll get the baby."  
  
"Jamesie!" Sirius exclaimed after he'd opened the door. He threw his arms around James, practically knocking him over with the force of it.   
  
James laughed. Sirius was not the hugging type, but he was trying to pull it off as jest today.  
  
"Where's Harry?" he asked as soon as James had pried him off.  
  
He didn't give him time to answer, having spotted the boy in his mothers arms. Sirius rushed past him, hurrying to play with his godson.   
  
James faced Remus and Peter. Remus smiled at him with those sad, gray eyes of his. Peter shuffled his feet uncomfortably, his hands stuffed into his pockets.  
  
James let out a sigh. Things could only get worse before they got better.  
  
_Dear Sirius,  
  
__It may be some time before I see you again, and I just wanted to make sure that some of the things I want to say are heard. The times are dark, and I don't know if they're going to get better any time soon._  
_Before I begin, I just want one thing to be understood. No matter what, I trust your judgment, and I know you'll do right by me. None the less, I need to ask a few favors of you._  
  
_If anything should happen to me, take care of Lily. I don't know what I would do if anything happened to her. If something were to happen and I couldn't take care of her anymore, I need to know that you'll make sure she's alright. Please, make certain that she's happy. Don't let her dwell on the past for longer than necessary. Sometimes, she needs someone to hold her hand. If I can't be there to do it, you're the only person I trust. _   
  
_You're Harry's godfather, and I know that you've already sworn to protect him with your life. I believe that you will. This is a colossal burden that you've agreed carry for me, and I'll always be in your debt._  
_I can already tell by looking in his eyes that he's intelligent. He's got the best of Lily and me in him, he can't go wrong. He's brave, I can see that, too. I have faith that no matter who brings him up, he's going to be great. Strong, smart, proud, courageous, compassionate and trustworthy._  
_If I can't be there to see to it, I know you will. Make sure he plays Quidditch. Make sure he knows how much his mother and I love him. Make sure he's safe and happy. Don't hide from him the knowledge that my parents hid from me for so long. Let him understand whose blood runs in his veins, and tell him to be proud of it, not ashamed or scared._  
  
_Sirius...I know we may not have said it enough, and if something should happen to me, I want to make sure that you know it. You are the brother I never had. Through everything, you've always been there for me. I know that Lily loves you, too, even though the pair of you bicker relentlessly._  
  
_A lot of things are counting on you, Sirius, and I know you won't let me down. As much as I trust you, I hope that this entire letter becomes irrelevant. I want to be able to sit in the Leaky Cauldron with you when we're 70 years old, talking about years past and memories shared._  
  
_I wish you all the best forever._  
  
_Yours eternally,_  
  
_James_


End file.
